Pieces

When I walk into a room
I give a part of myself
Not voluntarily, no
I walk in and everyone in there comes away with a door prize
A little piece of me
Now,
I could stop this …
… probably
But can i?
Maybe not.
I walk into a room and someone asks me for something
“Just a little piece”
Just a part of my soul and my heart
‘Its just a little piece what harm could it do’
‘Here you go, have a piece of me’
And they take it and run away
At first, they act like it’s a precious thing,
That piece of me.
But then they throw it around
Use it to tie their lives together
Use it to keep everything from falling apart for themselves
Drag it through the mud
And leave it battered and bruised somewhere
‘Hey if you aren’t going to treat it right, give it back’
But it’s already gone
‘That’s fine, we have lots more pieces’
But standing in front of me there are more people wanting more pieces
Just tiny ones
And I break my heart and my soul into little bits over and over again
Giving a little piece of myself to each one
And in time
Each one does the same thing
Until there are little pieces of me all over
Broken and bruised
Little pieces crawling their way back home
And here I sit
Empty as a shell

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Looking Forward and Back

At 19, I thought I knew myself
I thought I knew myself enough to know how not to fuck myself over, but
I was wrong

At 19, I learned that I couldn’t handle as much as I thought
I learned that I had been through a lot more than I thought, and
I denied it

At 20, I found out who my real friends were
I found out who would stick around and who would run away, and
I found out the hard way

At 20, I accepted that I didn’t know much
I accepted that I might be settling for a proximity of happiness.
I was stagnant

At 21, I saw some things I shouldn’t have seen
I saw into myself and didn’t like what was there, and
I was afraid

At 21, I felt my heart break
I felt my heart breaking continuously for over a year.
I felt my heart break itself

At 22, I left
I left so I could find something….more, so
I ran away

At 22, I learned I could do more
I learned that I could affect change, not only in my own life, but in others, and
I grew

At 22, I travelled
I travelled the world in search of myself and I found so much more.
Still I grew

At 23, I found my home
I ran away and I found my home in you.
I became

At 23, I stopped
I stopped running and learned that I was running from myself, so
I stood still

At 24, I will call you my wife
I will call you my wife and we will make our home together.
I became we

At 25, I don’t know where I’ll be
I don’t know the next stages of my life but that’s ok because I know it is with you, and
We will be together

At 30, I hope to know where I am going
I hope more, though, that it doesn’t matter, because
I will be with you

At 50, I will watch my children growing and becoming adults
I will watch the life that we made with happiness and joy, and
I will be happy

At 90, I will lie next to you
I will lie next to you and ask when you want to leave this world, because
We will leave together

Right now, I am looking at you
I am looking at you and I feel overwhelmed with love, because
I am yours forever

Belief

I watched her face as she lied to me
Such subtle features
The twitch of her lip
The flicker in her eyes
The crinkle in her brow
A tiny bead of sweat slowly ran down her beautifully sculpted face
But she said it with such conviction
Barely a quiver in her voice
….
Did you actually believe your own lie?
I almost did
I wanted to
….
Her words rang hollow
A promise… broken
Faithfulness… broken
My heart… broken
And I didn’t know why
Why did it hurt?
I wanted to believe her so bad
I convinced myself it wasn’t true
….
You couldn’t have done that
I thought we had it all
I thought you thought so too
….
She said “I love you”
She said “I would never”
She said “you know me”
Then she said “she didn’t mean anything”
She said “we’re just friends”
I believed her
I wanted to so bad
I needed to
….
But you lied
And you hurt me
You knew it and you still lied
….
I believed her
I believed her that she loved me
I believed that she would never mean it
I believed that I knew her
I believed that I didn’t mean anything… just like her
I believed that it started as just friends
I believed her
I wanted to
But did I?
….
What must you think of me?
3 years you wasted
And how many times… how many others?
….
Did she think I was stupid?
She knows better than that
She knew how good I was to her
She knew that she could take advantage of me
She knew that I would do anything
But she didn’t know that this was the last time I believed her
She didn’t believe I could move on
So I showed her
….
She didn’t believe me when I left
But I did

Do you remember?

Do you remember when the world was good?

And everything was great?

And all we did was smile?

 

Do you remember when our parents were our heroes?

And they could do no wrong?

And all they did was smile?

 

Do you remember how we felt when we first met?

We didn’t know what would happen?

And we didn’t care?

And all you did was smile?

 

Do you remember what you said to me?

Did you know that it hurt?

Did you know that I cried?

And now I can’t smile

I don’t remember how

 

I remember all of this and more

I remember your smile

I remember their smiles

But I don’t remember my smile

Did you know it scares me?

I think its fading

And It Hurts

Relating can be hard.

Especially when you’ve seen what I’ve seen,

When you’ve felt what I’ve felt.

Felt to the point of not feeling…

When you feel pain every day,

From someone you trust

Someone you love.

You go around feeling on edge,

Feeling like everyone is going to hurt you.

It becomes hard to relate to people.

You scare your friends

Realize your friends aren’t real

Are they even tangible?

Sometimes you don’t know.

Maybe you find someone real

Then they go and do something stupid and leave you forever

Maybe others who loved you also leave you forever

Its so hard to let them go…

It feels like these people are being physically torn from you.

You feel again

And it hurts

It really hurts

It feels like you are going to bleed out.

But then you wake up,

Still here,

And you don’t know how or why.

No matter how hard you prayed,

You’re still here.

And it hurts.

Eventually, you will be happy you’re still here.

And you’ll wake up everyday and see the scars,

But you’re still here

And that’s good.

Then one day, years later, you’ll find someone

Or multiple someones

And it will all be worth it.

And you’ll try to relate, with no expectations of success…

And you’ll be surprised…

They see it, they get it.

And they say they get it

But you get scared

They say they know how much you’ve lost,

But…

They’ll never see how much you’ve lost

Until they see how tight you hold on.

And they hold on too.

And they teach you…

Its ok to let go,

Its ok to hold on,

You might hold on so tightly,

but somehow it’s easier to let go than you thought.

And it doesn’t hurt to hold on anymore.

And you wake to find your pain fading.

Even your scars start to fade.

You admit things you’ve never said before.

And they still love you

And they hold you

And when they touch your scars…

It doesn’t hurt.

And that’s the first time you haven’t felt the pain.

So take a deep breath,

And wake up,

and realize it’s real.

You’re here.

You’re alive.

And they’re with you.

 

Your lips

Your lips burn my skin

With every touch

And every movement

They burn with the memory of their caress

 

Your lips hold such promise

Of every night now

And in the future

They promise me a world together forever

 

Your lips are a pillow

Caressing my body

And always on my mind

They are the cloud I want to lay upon forever

 

Your lips are a murmur

Of a life we live together

And the home we have forever

They are a murmur of a better future than before

 

Your lips held such promise

A gift I gave to you

And what you gave to me

They were the promise you gave to me

And the promise you gave to all others before

 

But now that promise is broken by the memory of promises past

 

You promise through those lips this is last promise they will ever make

 

And I promise, to hold your lips to it

I want it/you

Standing beside you

Breathing your air

Touching and groping

My hands in your hair

I touch

You touch

A feverish kiss

Tongues intertwined

This dance is bliss

“what do you want…”

A promise on a breath

“I want you inside me”

Your wish my command

A gasp of breath

A moan of passion

Whisperings of love in my ear

I rise

You fall

The world swimming in my head

The heat of the night is tangible

I want it to never end

Our bodies so desperate

Our breaths coming faster

It’s happening soon

Together we go

I want you beside me

You want me with you

You make my heart soar as a hot air balloon

Building lust

Blossoming passion

It’s starting again

Rising with you

Falling with you

The beginnings of forever